Queasy Rider/Transcript
Lacey Burrows: Hey, I've got two tickets to the Rider game. What are you doing Saturday? Davis Quinton: Absolutely nothing. Lacey: Good, then you can help me move. Oscar, here's two tickets to the Riders game. I can't use them, I have to move. Oscar Leroy: Great. Davis: Is it too late to mention my bad back? Lacey: Oh, yeah. Davis: It's not fair, you tricked me into moving. Lacey: I didn't trick you. I arranged my sentence in a way that led you to believe something that wasn't true. Davis: Why didn't you just get movers? Lacey: Well, that was my plan all along and then I talked to Brent. Brent Leroy: Movers? We don't use movers in Dog River. We help each other out. That's what we do in small towns. We band together like in a barn raising or, ah...well that's really the only time we band together, other than moving. Lacey: So, you'll help me move? Brent: No sorry, I got a barn raising. Davis: Yeah it true, we do band together. So, who else is coming? Lacey: Two very good friends of yours. Beer and pizza. Davis: Don't try and trick me again. Who else is coming? Lacey: It's a surprise. Davis: Ooo, I like surprises. Lacey: Good. Davis: It's just me, isn't it? Lacey: Surprise. Wanda Dollard: Check this out. Brent: The Great Gazoo! How many wishes do I get? Emma Leroy: Why are you covered in vinyl? Wanda: They're leathers, like what bikers wear. Brent: So, why are you wearing it? Wanda: 'Cause as of tomorrow, I'm a biker. My uncle's been riding for years but he's giving it up now and he's sending his bike to me. Brent: Well, it's been good working with you. Wanda: Just because you're afraid of bikes, Cindy, doesn't mean we all are. Brent: I think you have me confused with a little girl. I rode a chopper for years. Emma: That was a riding mower. Brent: It chopped. Emma: I had to start it for him. He was afraid of the grass clippings hitting his legs. Brent: Those sting. And there's thistles. Lacey: Hey, Hank. Hank Yarbo: Bonjour. Lacey: Oh, comment ca va? Hank: Oh sorry, I only know French. Lacey: You're lucky my hands are full. Hank: What? Oh no, I saw this French film last night and that's how they say hello in France. They kiss both cheeks. Lacey: Well, we're not in France. Karen Pelly: Hey guys. Hank: Bonjour Karen. Karen: I'm releasing the safety. Lacey: He saw a French film. Karen: I'm still releasing the safety. Hank: What's wrong with everybody? It's classy. Bonjour Oscar. Oscar: I take it you saw that French movie on TV. That's how they say hello in France. Hank: That's what I said. Karen: Just a heads up, Hank's in there kissing people. Davis: Yeah I know, he already got me. Oh, I forgot to mention. Lacey invited us over for pizza and beer Saturday. Karen: That sounds good. What's the occasion? Davis: She just wants to thank us for all the work we do as police officers. Karen: Oh, that's nice. Davis: Yeah it is, isn't it? Lacey: Hey guys. Davis: Well, we should get going. Karen: Guess we'll see you Saturday. Lacey: Oh, you're gonna come too? Great, thanks for the help. Karen: Help? Davis: In the community. Don't say anything more to her. Hank: Bonjour. Helen Jensen: What the hell was that? Wanda: The word gross jumps to mind. Hank: No, it's a greeting. It's not so weird. In Europe, they do it all the time. Here, let me show you. Ow! Wanda: Safety first, your safety. Hank: You know, you might be pleasantly surprised. Wanda: I'll be surprised if someone doesn't give you a beating over this. Emma: Hello. Hank: Hey, Emma. Wanda: Oh, this is gonna be awesome. Emma: What is? Hank: Bonjour. Emma: What are you doing? Knock it off! Hank: Oh no, just turn your head. Wanda: Bulls eye. Hank: Hmm, is that peach chapstick that I taste? From your...I'm just trying to break the ice here, man. That was really weird. Lacey: Hey guys, glad you could come. This is gonna be awesome. Karen: Well, thanks for having us. I brought a salad. Lacey: Oh, OK. This is part of the small town tradition, is it? Karen: I thought it would go well with the beer and pizza. Davis: Ooo, for sure, later. Karen: How hot is this pizza? Lacey: We'll get to the pizza but first, we have a lot of moving to do. Karen: Moving? Davis: Oh, didn't I mention that? Karen: No, I thought we were coming to a party. A thank you for all the work we do in the community. Lacey: Ha, ha. No, but that is good. That's much better than the football tickets. Davis: Don't worry, it's not gonna take that long. Look, it's all ready to go. Lacey: Oh no, these are empty. Everything's still in the cupboards. Karen: This is a new blouse. Lacey: And you look nice. Delivery Guy: Delivery for a Wanda Dollard. Brent: Hmm, name's not familiar. Hey Rizzo, you know anyone named Wanda? Wanda: Whoo, my ride's here! Time to hit the open road. Wind in my hair, sun at my back... Brent: Bugs in your teeth. Wanda: You're scared of bugs and grass clippings? Pretty butch, Tammy. Brent: Stop calling me girl names. Brent: You sure you can handle all that raw power? Wanda: OK, so my uncle sent my aunt's bike. Slight miscommunication but still, you know, a bike's a bike, right? Brent: Absolutely, a bike's a bike. And maybe one day yours will grow into one. Oscar: Hey Wanda, park your hog here and show this scooter driver what a real bike looks like. Brent: That is Wanda's scooter. Oscar: Ha, ha, ha, you got to be kidding me. You ride on this? Brent: OK Dad, it's not polite to laugh at her moped. Wanda: It's not a moped. Do you see any "peds?" No peds, all "mo." Brent: You can say that again. Oscar: Ha, ha, ha. Wanda: Keep laughing, 50cc's, 0 to 60 in 80 seconds. Brent: Wow, that's faster than, I don't know, walking? Wanda: Yeah, like you know a lot about walking. Back up, Linda. Brent: Stop doing that. Wanda: Fire this baby up and see what she's got. Oscar: Sounds like my razor. Wanda: Sounds great. That is the sound of freedom. Freedom! Brent: It sounds like freedom has a head cold. Oscar: Ha, ha, ha. Hank: Oh, sorry Emma. Emma: That's all right. Hank: I'll just um... Emma: All right. Hank: Ah, listen. I just wanted to say that I haven't really been thinking about that kiss the other day. Emma: Kiss? You mean when you hit me in the face with your mouth? Hank: Ha, well I think it was a little bit more than that. Emma: Well, I really haven't thought about it that much. Hank: Yeah, me neither. So, that's good. Yeah, we'll move on. I'll go back to my life and you can go back to Oscar. Emma: I never left Oscar. And if I was ever gonna leave Oscar, there's plenty of reasons without you in the picture. Hank: OK, good, good, good. Yeah, I'm glad we talked and we'll never, ever think about that kiss again. Karen: How long we been doing this? Davis: Ten minutes. Karen: Oh God, this is gonna take forever. Oh, I'm starving. Davis: You should have had something to eat before, like I did. Karen: I would have but I was leaving room for the pizza. Davis: Hey, she duped me too. That's what we do in small towns. Lacey: Hey guys, I was just on the phone trying to round up some more people to help. Karen: And? Lacey: Good news, nobody can make it. More beer and pizza for you two. OK, what can I do to help? Karen: Well, you can start by digging... Lacey: Oh, just a second. Lacey (phone): Hello. Oh, hi Cheryl. Yeah, guess what? I bought a new house. Yeah, the movers are here right now. Denizen: Ciao, Wanda! Ciao! Wanda: Ciao, Giuseppe. Ciao, Maria. Ciao, Hank. Hank: Listen, you've probably heard by now that your wife and I kissed on the lips and I just want you to hear my side of the story. Oscar: All right, sure. Wait, what? Hank: It was an accident. I, I was doing my very suave double-kiss and well, she kind of screwed it up. Oscar: You did what with my wife? Hank: It was that French film, you saw it. I was doing the classy double-kiss. Oscar: Yeah, yeah, classy. You did what with my wife? Hank: I don't think she's ever been to Europe and I don't think she's ever seen a foreign film either. Oscar: I know I keep going back to this Hank but you did what with my wife? Lacey: Easy, easy, easy. Karen: What's easy about it? Davis: Actually, this couch is kind of light. Karen: Because I'm carrying it. Davis: Geez, you complain a lot. Lacey: Yeah. I've been down there sorting photo albums. You don't hear me whining. Karen: How about a little help with the couch? Lacey: Oh fine, put it down. Karen: Thanks, this thing's a killer. Lacey: Now, just wait a few minutes. When you pick it back up you'll find it's much easier. For a little bit and then you just have to set it down again. Davis: I was actually thinking that you'd help us lift it. Lacey: Fine. OK, now stop your whining. Come on. Wanda: Hmm, hmm, hmm... Brent: Have a nice ride in your little European can opener there? Wanda: It was fantastic if you must know. Very, very liberating. Muy, muy, liberache. Brent: Yeah well, less "muy muy" and more worky, worky. You've been out here all morning and I've been stuck. I'm starving, I'm going to go get a chili dog. Wanda: Hey, do you want me to get it for you? Brent: Really? Well, that would be great actually because I... Wanda: Back in a flash. Brent: You're driving there? Wanda: Ciao, Brento. Brent: Brento? Oscar: What the hell are you doing going around kissing Hank on the lips? Emma: What? First of all, he tried to kiss me. Oscar: Not what I heard. He was just trying to do the double-kiss. If you's stayed up and watched that French film with me, you'd know that. Emma: I was knitting. Oscar: And look who's paying the price now. Emma: Yeah, me. Hank doesn't know how to kiss. Oscar: I disagree. Hank and I kissed just the other day and it was fine, real classy. But you get in there and screw it all up and turn it into something cheap. Emma: For the love of Pete. Oscar: We all want someone younger, Emma. But that doesn't mean we go off half-cocked with an idiot in a gas station. Emma: I know how to double-kiss. Oscar: Apparently not. Apparently not. Davis: Ciao, Bella. Karen: Bella Wanda. Lacey: Mona Bella journata. Davis: Bella Wanda. Bella Wanda. Wanda, Wanda help us move. Karen: Please, help us move. She's a tyrant. Wanda: I don't speak any English. Ciao, ciao. Lacey (phone): OK, fine. Lacey: Hey guys, good news. Brent just called and he can come help in about half an hour. Davis: We just finished. Lacey: Oh, oh well. He can join us for beer and pizza. Karen: You don't share pizza with Brent. He eats and you try and keep the cheese from flying into your hair. Lacey: Oh relax, there'll be plenty. See, it says "party size." Karen: It's a frozen pizza? Lacey: Well, it is now. Won't be in half an hour. Ooo, thin crust. Davis: I thought you were gonna order in for pizza. Lacey: From where? Davis: The Ruby. Lacey: I am not making pizza, I just moved all day. Karen: You didn't move anything! Davis: That's OK. Let's just have a beer and relax. Pizza will be ready in no time. Where's the beer? Lacey: Oh, I packed it. Davis: Where? Lacey: Um... Wanda: Wow, nothing like a ride in the open air to clear your head and set your mind straight. Brent: And of course, no chili cheese dog. Wanda: Oh right, me a forgeto. I'll go get you gelato from the Foo Marteo. Brent: No, you won't. You'll stay right here. I'm going to go help Lacey move. They should be done by now. Momma Mia. Oscar: Hey, Fonzie. What happened to your blender? Wanda: What? Oscar: Your powder blue bucket of bolts. Wanda: No. No! It's not possible. Did you do this? Oscar: Ha, that's not my work. If I had my way it'd be stuck in the grill of an 18 wheeler. Lacey: Found it! Ha, ha. You know where it was? In the box marked "Bathroom Stuff." It's always the last place you look. But thanks for unpacking everything else, you guys. Davis: It's warm. Lacey: Well, maybe if you'd moved a little faster...oh, pizza. Oh guys, I can't find my dishes. Karen: Ugh, we'll eat it off the floor, just bring it. Lacey: Ooo, who's ready for pizza? It's a little crispy. Karen: Too bad we didn't get it before it entered the Earth's atmosphere. Brent: Hey guys. Lacey: Oh finally, a happy face. These two are starting to get really grumpy. Brent: Ooo, brewskis. Davis: It's ours. Movers only. Karen: I'm too tired to laugh at that. Emma: Hi Fitzy. Aren't you gonna say hi? Fitzy Fitzgerald: Please, don't kiss me. Emma: Why would I do that? Fitzy: Word on the street is that you like it on the lips. Most of us take the classy route. Kissing on the cheeks? Apparently, you like to get down to business. Emma: Who's telling you this? Hank: Oh, don't get too close Fitzy. She'll zig when you zag, that's how she got me. Emma: All right, Yarbo. It's time we talked face to face. Hank: Oh man, here we go again. Wanda: Did you see my bike? Brent: Yeah, listen... Wanda: When I find out who did that I'm gonna take them out for a beer. Brent: A beer? Wanda: Yeah, and while we're out for that beer, I'm gonna hire some thugs to smash all the windows in their car. Or maybe blow up their car. Blow up their house! Smash their car and blow up their house and pee in their garden. Brent: Yeah, well um, I'm off to help Lacey move. Wanda: Weren't you just there? Brent: Lots to do. Lots to do. Lacey: Listen, I'm sorry that you don't like burnt pizza. Karen: No one likes burned pizza or warm beer. Lacey: Actually, in Britain and Germany... Karen: Enough. You've screwed us over all day long and I am sick of it. I came here for a pizza party seven hours ago and I am going to have a pizza party. Lacey: OK, OK, look it, you're right. You guys have worked really hard, the least you deserve is a fresh pizza from the Ruby. Davis: All right. Lacey: So, here are some 10% off Ruby pizza coupons for you. You can use them next time you come in. Hmm, I'm not sure when they expire. Let me write in a week today, that should give you lots of time. Karen: Fresh pizza now or we start juggling the crystal. Davis: I don't know how to juggle. Oh right, and we don't know how to juggle. Davis: Ah, we need some more beer. Lacey: I'm not really licensed. Karen: We're the cops. More beer. Pizza Denizen: Hey, fresh pizza! Lacey: Oh no, no, no. The pizza is for Davis and Karen, they helped me move. Karen: Oh well, the more the merrier. We're gonna need a couple more pizzas over here. Davis: That's what we do in small towns. We band together and make sure people hire movers next time. Wanda: Oh, no. You will pay for this. You will pay! Wanda (in Italian): Gas station, Ferrari, airport, Chianti. Moto Guzzi, cilantro fatty. Mobster (in Italian): I don't understand what you're saying, but we'll beat him anyway. Wanda: Sure. Wanda: I know it was you. I can't believe you didn't say anything. Brent: You were gonna blow up my garden and pee in my car! Look, I can fix this, I can fix your bike. Wanda: You? Brent: Yes, I'm pretty mechanically inclined. I do own a gas station. Wanda: I've seen you get your shirt caught in the till. For an entire afternoon. You have 24 hours, then, moncho coppo cunitso. And the horse you rode in on. Emma: All right, Hank. You want to see classy? I'll show you classy. Hank: Don't hurt me. Emma: There. Karen: I just saw Emma kiss Hank! Davis: OK Karen, no more beer for you. Brent: And viola. That's European, right? Viola? Wanda: Wow, it looks like crap. But you know, I can see the effort, I can tell you did your very best and for that, mia forgivo. Let's go, Florence. Brent: Stop doing that. Wanda: No, Florence is my bike's name. Let's hit the road Florence. See ya, Margaret. Brent: How was it? Wanda: Mucho queaso. It's like riding a paint shaker. Brent: Is this where you blow up my car and burn down my house? Wanda: Nah don't worry, they can't trace it back to me. These guys are professionals. Oh... Hank: Hey Oscar, see Boyz in the Hood last night? Oscar: Damn straight. Hank: Hey, Karen. Karen: Don't kiss me. Hank: Oh no, I don't do that anymore. Being all suave got me into trouble. I'm into fist pumps now. Karen: That's a relief. Hank: Pound it! Karen: Ow! That's it, I'm taking the safety off! Category:Transcripts